Love in the Age of Always-On

Happy Valentine’s Day. Here’s what a decade of marriage has taught me about love and technology.

The Notification That Changed Things

Two years ago, my wife and I were at dinner. A rare date night. Kids with grandparents. Fancy restaurant.

My phone buzzed. Production alert. I glanced at it. “Just one second.”

That one second became fifteen minutes. By the time I looked up, she wasn’t angry. She was resigned. That was worse.

“You’re here but you’re not here,” she said.

She was right.

The Problem

I work in technology. Technology doesn’t have office hours. Deployments fail at midnight. Clients message on weekends. Slack never sleeps.

And my phone makes sure I know about all of it, all the time.

The result: I’m physically present but mentally divided. Half with my family, half with my systems.

That’s not presence. That’s attendance.

What Changed

The Phone Drawer

When I get home, the phone goes in a drawer by the front door. It stays there until the kids are in bed.

Exceptions: actual emergencies. Not “important” messages. Emergencies. The bar is high.

Protected Time

Date night is sacred. No phones at dinner. No “quick checks.” If the system can’t survive two hours without me, the system is broken, not the date.

Honest Conversations

“I’m stressed about work” is better than pretending to be present while mentally debugging.

My wife doesn’t need me to be stress-free. She needs me to be honest about what’s happening in my head.

Quality Over Quantity

A 30-minute walk where I’m fully present beats a whole evening where I’m half-checked-out on the couch.

What My Wife Taught Me

Attention is love. When I look at her while she talks, she feels valued. When I glance at my phone, she doesn’t.

Consistency matters more than gestures. A daily habit of presence beats an annual grand gesture. Flowers on Valentine’s Day don’t compensate for 364 days of distraction.

She’s not competing with my phone. She shouldn’t have to. The fact that there’s even a comparison means something is wrong.

For The Tech Workers

We build systems designed to capture attention. We know the tricks. The notifications, the badges, the infinite scroll.

We should be the most resistant to them. Instead, we’re often the most addicted.

Our partners deserve better. Our kids deserve better. We deserve better.

The Valentine’s Day Resolution

Today I’m taking my wife to dinner. Phone stays in the car. Not in my pocket on silent. In the car.

For two hours, she gets all of me. Not the leftover attention after Slack and email take their share.

That’s not a grand gesture. That’s the minimum.

But it’s a start.

To my wife: thank you for being patient while I figure this out. I love you. I’m working on showing it better.

Happy Valentine’s Day.